Me Challenge – Day 7 and….

So I am just going to pick up where I left off yesterday…and then do my challenge.

I was a victim!  I was the innocent one, I was the normal one, even though I was told many times I was not normal and that something was wrong with me.  I remember a time so clearly, It was days after my second child was born, (my girls are 13 months apart) my husband wasn’t even there when she was born.  He decided to go into business with his brother, run thousands of dollars on his brother’s credit because at this point we didn’t have any, hell we didn’t have money for the rent.  Anyway, I had decided to get a tubal as soon as I became pregnant with my second, there was no way I was going to have more children when we couldn’t afford the now two we have and our lives were so unstable that it just wasn’t going to happen.  Not to mention the fact that he NEVER once fed, changed, got up with them, nothing that was all on me.  Well my decision to do this was a disastrous blow to our marriage as he wanted a boy.  I was on the operating table when the doctor came in and said my husband just called and asked me not to perform the tubal, he is threatening your marriage if you go through with this.  I then asked the doctor if my husband had any rights or if he could stop this, the doctor said no, I said then lets do it, I obviously don’t have much of a marriage anyway.  It was the first time I ever took any stand for myself and did something he did not approve of or was his idea.  ( I was on the operating table because I had C-sections for both as my body doesn’t progress into labor, after two inductions with my first we figured this out!)  So now I am at home, he is not home, I have two babies, no money, no friends or family around to help and I am talking on the phone to my husband, I don’t even remember what we ended up fighting about but I remember him yelling through the phone, and me hysterically balling, falling to the floor lifeless, the phone not even in my hand anymore, my babies crying and I was paralyzed with pain, hurt, and now guilt and shame.  How long I laid on the floor I couldn’t tell you, but when I finally picked myself up my babies weren’t crying anymore, they had cried themselves to sleep.  I didn’t sleep at all that night and swore to myself I will never let this happen again where I can’t function enough to tend to my girls.  Nothing was worth that kind of guilt.  A couple days after this he returned home, told me how I was not even a real women now that I had done this, made an appointment with the doctor to see if this could be reversed and demanded I go.  I said ok we can go and see what he says, (knowing full well this was not an option) if this is possible I said to him, things need to change between us.  Oh he promised the moon.  This is the hardest part for me to actually say and share, he wanted to have sex with me, I was less than one week out of surgery, with stitches, tired and sore and really didn’t want to but I did, crying inside, it hurt not just physically but emotionally.  As he is performing for lack of a better word he is saying I feel different and that I am not whole anymore.  Finally it was over and I loathed myself, and hated him, but I was stuck, no money, no job, no family, no friends, and two kids.  This is just one memory of many not so pleasant. The point of this memory is to show you clearly where being a victim gets you.  Google proved to me that I was a victim and so with that victim mentality I continually, progressively was a victim, more than ever. Are you starting to see a pattern?  Don’t worry if you don’t yet, keep reading and you will!  I will continue to share with you my life stories and journeys for one main reason, to inspire you, to show you how no matter what you are a survivor and can overcome anything.  Women truly are the toughest we just don’t always believe it.

5 things to be grateful for

  • my family
  • my life
  • my lessons
  • my health
  • my strength

5 I AM’S

  • I am a survivor
  • I am beautiful
  • I am thin
  • I am strong
  • I am worthy

Until tomorrow ya’ll have a great day 🙂